I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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