dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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