I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
