My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He? As in you personified your dick?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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