she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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