I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
This baby is an asshole
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
