any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
