she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
