When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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