Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
