I'm so fucking centered right now
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
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She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
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At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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