cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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