This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
