Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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