She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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