I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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