Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
