I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
