peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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