Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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