I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
