so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
