I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
