You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
