You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
