Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
