At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
