I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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