The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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