Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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