The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
