Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
