Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
