just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
