I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
