So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
