he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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