He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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