One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
