I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
