I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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