You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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