youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
