apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
