Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
