Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
