I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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