i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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