your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
