Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
handjob tips. give me some.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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