4 words: hood of his car
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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