Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
