90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
