I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
