my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
